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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23866222">Dine Hard</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/volunteerfd/pseuds/volunteerfd'>volunteerfd</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV), Hannibal (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Implied Cannibalism, Implied Murder, Screenplay/Script Format</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:07:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,436</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23866222</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/volunteerfd/pseuds/volunteerfd</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When Captain Holt's old friend visits the precinct, Jake is immediately suspicious: old friends of the Nine-Nine are never what they seem. But Holt's friend is charming, intelligent, a wonderful dinner host...How could anyone not trust Dr. Hannibal Lecter?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Dine Hard</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>[INT. DEPARTMENT- COMMON AREA]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Holt stares at his watch. Amy, Terry, and Charles are gathered around him. Jake enters. </strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Holt, excitedly: He’s coming! He’s coming!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: What’s going on?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Boyle: Holt’s old friend, Dr. Hannibal Lecter, is in town for the Brooklyn Books and Wine Festival.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Oh, no. I hate when old friends visit someone from the squad. It never ends well. They always turn out to be a bad guy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Holt: While it’s true that members of the Nine-Nine have associated with common street ruffians and ne’er-do-wells in the past, I assure you, Doctor Lecter will not turn out to be a forger, a plagiarist, a liar, or a fiend. He has an unimpeachable reputation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: I bet I could peach him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Amy: No, Jake, he’s right. Doctor Lecter is a world-renowned scholar in criminal psychology. He wrote the definitive tome about organizing your impulses through metacognitive neuropathy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Boyle: And the seminal rare ingredient cookbook, Cooking With Mind and Brain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Terry: Hannibal Lecter? You mean the dancer?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Holt: Yes. He studied at the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Balettakademien</span>
  </em>
  <span> in Gothenburg.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rosa <strong>[shrugs]: </strong>Never heard of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Terry: No way! </span>
  <em>
    <span>That </span>
  </em>
  <span>Hannibal Lecter? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Here? </span>
  </em>
  <span>I should have worn my dress suspenders!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Wow. Sounds like you’re all super excited to meet him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Amy: Well…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Holt: They are. In fact, he’s stopping by the precinct-- <strong>[checks watch]</strong>--in a minute and seventeen seconds, he will walk through those doors. Seventy-six...Seventy-five…</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>[CUT]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Holt: ...three...two…</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Hannibal enters]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: Hello, Captain Holt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Holt: Dr. Lecter. How was your flight here?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: Efficient. How are Professor Cozner and Cheddar?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Holt: They are also efficient.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: Delightful.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Holt: I’d like to introduce you to my squad. This is Amy Santiago.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Amy: Hello. I really admire your research. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I think about thinking about what I’m thinking about.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Holt: And this is Charles Boyle. He is a self-described foodie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Boyle: I made your jambon beurre and boy did I really...pig out! Hah! It was really good. I’m such a big fan. I made your jambon beurre--oh god, I said that already. I ALREADY SAID THAT. I’m so sorry!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: Quite alright. I cannot blame a fan for going...hog wild.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Boyle: HA! HAHA! THAT WAS SO FUNNY! HE’S SO FUNNY!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Breathe, Charles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: And you are?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Jake. Jake Peralta. I heard you were really cool. I haven’t seen that yet, so…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: Well, I hope you will see it tonight.  I am having a small party, and I would like you all to come.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Amy: Wow! But I thought you lived in Baltimore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: I have an apartment in Brooklyn, but I could not live in a large city. My nose is too sensitive for the smell.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: What smell? New York doesn’t smell.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Terry: Well… /Boyle (overlapping): Actually.../Amy (overlapping): It kind of does...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Well if you hate it so much, maybe you should leave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: I am leaving at the end of the week. It has been established that I live in Baltimore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Holt: My apologies, Dr. Lecter. Peralta is being rude.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: I understand. I gather that he sees you as a father figure, having lacked for one early in life, and is wary, even territorial, about new additions to his family.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: ...fuck. Well, you’re wrong, it’s because we’ve all had old friends visit and they all turn out to suck, every time, without fail, and that has nothing to do with my mother’s boyfriends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: I get it. Trust is something that must be earned. I’ve earned Captain Holt’s trust through years of friendship, Santiago’s through a bond of scholarship, Boyle’s through a culinary kinship, and Jeffords’ through an appreciation for the arts. I hope to earn yours tonight.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <strong>[LATER THAT NIGHT-APARTMENT]</strong>
</p><p>[<strong>The Nine-Nine mingle with other guests while Jake stands around awkwardly. Boyle joins him.]</strong></p><p>Boyle: Isn't this incredible? I wonder what he's going to cook. Oh, it doesn't matter. Whatever it is, it will be incredible. I smell something with apples...And some sort of meat...I can't really make out what the meat is though. I bet it's exotic! Jake, what do you smell?</p><p>[<strong>Jake sniffs]</strong></p><p>Jake: Is that...burnt flesh?</p><p>
  <strong>[Rosa, Amy, and Terry break away from their conversations and joins Jake]</strong>
</p><p>Amy: This is <em>so cool. </em>I just learned so much about amygdalic brain mapping. I would have paid $500 for that lecture. </p><p>Terry: We just met Aage Thordal-Christensen! </p><p>
  <strong>[Jake and Amy stare blankly]</strong>
</p><p>Boyle: The former artistic director of the Royal Danish Ballet?</p><p>Terry: Yes!</p><p>Rosa: I totally fangirled out. It was super embarrassing.</p><p>
  <strong>[Holt and Kevin</strong>
  <strong> walk over]</strong>
</p><p>Kevin: Hello. It's good to see you all.</p><p>Holt: Pardon Kevin. He tends to get quite raucous as these soirees.</p><p>Kevin: You're one to talk. Remember last time, when you had everyone in stitches with your Anton Walbrook impersonation?</p><p>Holt: Ah, yes. What can I say? Dr. Lecter knows how to throw a party.</p><p>Jake: He sure does...</p><p>
  <strong>[Jake wanders over to Hannibal, who is surrounded by guests pleasantly hanging on his word. Amy follows him.]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: So I said, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Madam, ce n'est pas mon mari, c'est sept chiens dans un trench.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Everyone laughs except Jake, who pouts.]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: That doesn’t even mean anything! He just said gibberish!</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Amy frowns and puts a hand on his shoulder to calm him down.]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: Was my pronunciation flawed? My apologies. Perhaps you could land the joke better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Amy: No, your pronunciation was impeccable, and Jake absolutely could not do better. Excuse us.</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>[She takes Jake aside]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Amy: What is wrong with you?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: I don’t trust him!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Amy: Yeah, because you have trust issues!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: I have trust issues because people aren’t trustworthy!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Amy: Jesus, Jake, could you just apologize? He’s hosting a nice party! He hasn’t done anything wrong!</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Hannibal approaches]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: We are sitting down for dinner if you would care to join us.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Amy: Of course, Dr. Lecter. It would be our pleasure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Yeah. Also, I’m sorry about you know, speaking French better than you.</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Amy pinches him]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: And for being kind of a jerk. I have issues. Dad stuff. You nailed it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: Nothing an hour alone with me couldn’t resolve, I’m sure. Fierce protectiveness is an admirable quality. Now let us break bread together and leave this behind us.</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>[They sit down for dinner. Jake grabs a bread roll as Amy puts her napkin in her lap.]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: So how do you break this? Do you just tear it or…?</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Hannibal taps his glass at the head of the table]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: I am grateful you all could make it. It is my honor and pleasure to not only host you, but to cook for you all.</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Boyle rubs his hands excitedly.]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: I have prepared braised roast, baked in clay with marrow, and Lady Apples on the side. </span>
</p><p>
  <strong>[The guests begin eating, murmuring ‘Exquisite’ and ‘Outstanding.]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Terry: I’d throw out all my yogurt and replace it with this.</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Hannibal cocks his head to the side.]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Holt: Terry loves yogurt. It’s a high compliment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kevin: You’ve really outdone yourself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Boyle: I must weep for there are no more worlds to conquer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Holt: This roast is as </span>
  <em>
    <span>praised </span>
  </em>
  <span>as it is </span>
  <em>
    <span>braised.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Everyone laughs.]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Sorry, do you have any ketchup?</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>[A silence. Everyone bristles]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Boyle: I don’t know him! He is NOT my friend. We just work together. I always thought he was an empty-headed rube. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: I have a Cuore di Bue tomato emulsion, sweetened with red wine and flavored with cloves, allspice, and cumin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: What about Heinz?</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Longer silence]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: I do not have Heinz. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Oh, that’s fine. It’s really good. I was just...asking. Out of curiosity. Like, “Hey, do you have any Grey Poupon?”<strong> [Laughs desperately]</strong></span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: I do not.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: No, it’s a-- </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Holt: I think what Peralta is trying to say is, he was joking. An ill-timed, ill-advised, unfunny attempt at humor. Because no one in their right mind would tarnish this meal, which is perfect down to its molecules.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Boyle, Kevin, others: Hear, hear!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake (to Amy): Cool. Cool, cool, cool. This is going great.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Amy (to Jake): Just keep your mouth shut.</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>[CUT TO - END OF THE NIGHT]</strong>
</p><p>Hannibal: Thank you for joining us. You were all quite charming [<strong>he looks at Jake] </strong>in your own ways.</p><p>Holt: A pleasure, as always. </p><p>Kevin: I haven't had this much fun since your last party!</p><p>Rosa: This was really cool. Oh my God. I'm so sorry. I don't normally gush.</p><p>Hannibal: Well, good night then. Get home safely.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>[INT. NEXT DAY--PRECINCT BREAKROOM]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Hitchcock: So how was Dr. Lecter’s fancy party?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Ugh. It was so boring. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hitchcock: I don’t like him! He’s so fussy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scully: He implied we were rude! </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hitchcock: He called us ‘boorish!’ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scully: Can you believe that? Like we’re related to boars? </span>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Scully snorts]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Hitchcock: And he didn’t even invite us to his fancy party. Not like we’d want to go. He’d probably serve meat that you have to cut with a knife and fork. So much work.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scully: A hoity-toity person like that would get offended if you asked for ketchup.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hitchcock: All high and mighty. All food is better with red corn syrup!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Right?! Exactly! Oh God, I’m agreeing with you...Maybe I was wrong.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hitchcock: Tell me, did you have to put your napkin in your lap?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Yes! And it kept falling off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scully: And did it stop you from getting food up your nose?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: What? No, but--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scully: Exactly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Ok...well...I’ve been getting bad vibes from him. My vibes are </span>
  <em>
    <span>always </span>
  </em>
  <span>right, but no one believes me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hitchcock: We believe you, Jake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scully: We’re on your side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hitchock: Together, we’re unstoppable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Er…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scully: See, we’ve been doing our own research on so-called “Doctor” Hannibal Lecter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake [perking up]: He’s not a real doctor?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scully: No, he is. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Oh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hitchcock: If you can consider someone who practices medicine in Baltimore a doctor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Yeah, you can.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scully: But an awful lot of deaths surrounding him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Well, yeah, he’s been assisting the FBI with the Chesapeake Ripper case.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hitchcock: But what if...he </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>the Chesapeake Ripper?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: That’s crazy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scully: Is it?</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Hitchcock and Scully pull out a bunch of folders and lay it on the table]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[CUT TO - LATER]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Holy shit. Dr. Lecter is the Chesapeake Ripper. OK, we gotta get him. He and Holt are going to the opera tonight, which should give us plenty of time. Amy took me to one and it lasted eight hours.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <strong>[INT. HANNIBAL’S APARTMENT - NIGHT]</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Jake opens the door and turn on the lights. He, Hitchcock and Scully enter]</strong>
</p><p>Jake: Kind of weird how this fancy-pants doorman doesn't ask questions. I'll check the living room.</p><p>Hitchcock: We'll check the kitchen.</p><p>Jake: We probably only need one in the kitchen...</p><p>Hitchock: Not if you want to do this right.</p><p>Jake: Fine.</p><p>
  <strong>[Jake puts on gloves and starts inspecting Hannibal's numerous books. Scully and Hitchcock go to the kitchen. Eventually, Scully screams. Jake puts a book back and runs over]</strong>
</p><p>Scully: Look what we found in the refrigerator!</p><p>Jake: What? </p><p>Scully: All these vegetables! What is this, purple potatoes? White carrots? Why?!</p><p>Jake: Those are just what vegetables look like!</p><p>Hitchcock: Are they? Look at this! [<strong>He holds up a radish]</strong></p><p>Jake: Ew! What is that?</p><p>Hitchcock: I don't know!</p><p>[<strong>The front door opens. The detectives freeze. Hannibal Lecter stands in the kitchen doorway]</strong></p><p>
  <span>Jake: What are you doing back so soon? Operas last for eight hours!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: No, they don’t.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: But the one I went to...Damn it, it only </span>
  <em>
    <span>felt </span>
  </em>
  <span>like eight hours.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: May I ask what you are doing here? It's incredibly rude to break into someone's house. [<strong>He grabs a knife]</strong></span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Oh no! Are you going to cut our heads open and make us eat our brains like in that movie with Anthony Hopkins? Oh my God, your name is Hannibal! I should have known you’d be a Hannibal! How could I be so stupid?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: Of course I am not going to harm you. Any of you. Especially in a manner so absurd. I am preparing a cheese platter. Although you are rude guests, I will not sink to your level as a rude host. Please, sit.</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Hitchcock and Scully sit. Hannibal slices cheeses]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: This is still a rather unfortunate situation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scully: Because the cheese is French and in hard blocks instead of American and in a can?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: No. Because</span>
  <span> I have nothing to hide, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> do. I’m sure you are used to covering up breaking-and-entering, ignoring police protocol, and violating civil rights. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hitchcock: Wow, that’s an unfair prejudice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: Did you not just break and enter?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hitchcock: Well…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: And is that not a violation of official police protocol?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scully: I mean…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: And an infringement upon my civil rights?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hitchcock: OK, OK, if you want to go all ACAB on us.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: Like I was saying. I'm sure this is normal for you. But you forget I am an old friend of Captain Holt's. We go back decades. He would vouch for my character as much as I would vouch for his.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Please don’t tell my dad. I mean. Captain Dad. I mean Captain Holt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: Captain Holt obviously trusts you. I worry that his trust is misplaced. And you, of course, know how important trust is. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: He's gonna ground me. I mean punish me. I mean send me to my room. I mean--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: I believe your intentions were good, no matter how egregious your actions. I will make you a deal.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: A deal?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: I will not tell Captain Holt what transpired tonight, but I insist that you stop probing into my personal life. I have evidence of your unwanted intrusion, should you ever feel compelled to snoop further.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: I won’t. I promise.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: Better safe than sorry. Now, I will give you a quick tour just to set your mind at ease. I hope, in the end, that you will feel rather foolish.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scully: The joke’s on you. We </span>
  <em>
    <span>never </span>
  </em>
  <span>feel foolish.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hitchcock: </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ever.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>[Hannibal sighs and begins the tour]</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>[CUT TO - LATER]</strong>
</p><p>
  <span>Jake: Thanks. And sorry about everything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hannibal: See to it that it doesn’t happen again.</span>
</p><p>
  <strong>[Jake, Hitchcock, and Scully leave. Hannibal shuts the door and goes into the kitchen. He pushes aside the lush produce, reaches into the back of the fridge...and pulls out a human head. He sets it on the counter and begins chopping.]</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
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